I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
