Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
