My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
