Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Life is so much better after having sex.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
