I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
