someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
