Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
