but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
