I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
