I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
