Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
