i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
