I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
