Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
