Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize