i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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