I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
