i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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