I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
