guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
