Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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