i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
