there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
