I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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