I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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