Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
