New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
