My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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