my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
