you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
