Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
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