my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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