What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
