I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
