I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
