Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
