I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
