I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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