Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
