Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
