i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
