i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
