I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize