i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
