Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
