i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize