I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
