She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
