Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
