this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Randomize
