He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
