so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
