my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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