i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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