i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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