He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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