she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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