On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
