What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
