Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
