i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
