when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
